I am not really sure why I haven't written in my blog for so long.  I had meant to but it didn't happen.  The months have been difficult.  I have been fighting to get my old life back and I think I'm coming to the realisation that I am pushing away the grief that I need to experience.  I have never really expressed how angry I am that this has happened to me for fear of appearing to feel sorry for myself.  I have learnt over the years ways of dealing with stress, with getting up and getting on with it when I am down but I fear maybe this has been to my detriment this time.  Since Paige died I have always had a fear of going to pieces and my life shattering around me.  I have worried that if I don't pull myself together my marriage might fail, my daughter might suffer and I might never come out of it.  So I am going to try to express my feelings more, to allow myself just to be what I am and see what happens.