Dealing with Pain

I sometimes think that it would be lovely to have something or someone come and suck all the pain out of me.  I know that sounds strange but I have a weird way of thinking about things sometimes!  When I am in my garden working in the soil and seeing things come together I do feel good.  My brain is kind of empty, I am busy in a nice way doing something that is good for me. 

About four years ago I had cognitive behaviour therapy because I had had a bout of depression.  The basic concept is that what we think, our activities, our feelings and our physical sensations are all linked.  Therefore if you tell yourself you are ugly, you stay in instead of going to a party, you feel really sad and lonely and your body might feel drained of energy.  If you change one thing in that spiral you might just reverse it.  So, for example, you change the thought and the whole process is reversed.  You go to the party, you feel better and so on.  This really worked for me four years ago.  There is a lot more to it and it is really interesting.  If you want to look into it there is a website called Living Life to the Full where you can do a free course online.  By the way CBT is recommended in the NICE guidelines for depression.

However, I have found it really hard to use this method of coping since Paige's death.  One part of me is wanting to get on with life, be happy and use the things I have learnt but another part of me just won't go away.  That part is very sad and lonely and is still very much in the throes of grief.  My counsellor suggested that I allow my time with her to be a time to let that part of myself out and I thought that was a good way of looking at things because I don't want to and just can't be like that all the time.  My family needs me, I have to work and I am afraid of going under.  I just wish I could find some other way of expressing and letting go of my pain when I am alone.  Maybe I just think too much!!!  Maybe I will just work through it in time.

Moving on?

Haven't written in ages.  I write in my own personal journal but then I thought well maybe my garbled thoughts might help someone else know they are not alone.  I went for counselling this week because after months of vaguely holding it together I totally lost it on Tuesday and couldn't stop crying.  It did frighten me but also felt like a release.  I also cried a lot at the counselling session and it was good for me I'm sure.  I don't really know how I'll move forward from here.  I have three more sessions provided by my work so hopefully they will help.  I think it would be good for me to have this for a while though.  I might see if I can arrange it through my doctors.  I came off the antidepressants because we thought about trying again and I think that was too much for me.  We are at the place now where we are kind of thinking that we won't try again so there is a whole new wave of grief to deal with.  I am working through it and live in the hope that one day I will be happy again.  It makes me sad to look at photos of myself from a couple of years ago and see how nice I looked, how genuine my smile was and how much fun I had.  Please please please God, I want that back.  I do believe that I will get there but I think I need to accept that this sadness will always be a part of my life too.