Moving on?

Haven't written in ages.  I write in my own personal journal but then I thought well maybe my garbled thoughts might help someone else know they are not alone.  I went for counselling this week because after months of vaguely holding it together I totally lost it on Tuesday and couldn't stop crying.  It did frighten me but also felt like a release.  I also cried a lot at the counselling session and it was good for me I'm sure.  I don't really know how I'll move forward from here.  I have three more sessions provided by my work so hopefully they will help.  I think it would be good for me to have this for a while though.  I might see if I can arrange it through my doctors.  I came off the antidepressants because we thought about trying again and I think that was too much for me.  We are at the place now where we are kind of thinking that we won't try again so there is a whole new wave of grief to deal with.  I am working through it and live in the hope that one day I will be happy again.  It makes me sad to look at photos of myself from a couple of years ago and see how nice I looked, how genuine my smile was and how much fun I had.  Please please please God, I want that back.  I do believe that I will get there but I think I need to accept that this sadness will always be a part of my life too.