Sunday 21 November 2010
Where there is life there is hope
Forgive me, I am a complete beginner at blogging so I hope you are not asleep before you get to the end of this! I decided to write this blog really to help myself grieve for my beautiful daughter Paige who was stillborn on 2nd October although I hope it is of comfort to anyone else going through the same thing. The phrase above, where there is life there is hope, was give to me many, many times while I was pregnant with Paige. My membranes ruptured at 17 weeks and she held on till 28 weeks and I had so much hope toward the end. In fact, I would not allow myself to conceive of my baby dying. Unfortunately I had to live my worst nightmare and still am. My question since has been, if she is no longer alive, where is my hope? What am I supposed to hope for now or put my hope in? Will I definately have another baby? I don't know. Can I do anything to bring my child back. Definately not. I prayed and prayed when I was pregnant that my baby would survive; every day without fail. I contacted countless people and had them pray too. To be honest I don't really know what I was trying to achieve, as if I could somehow twist God's arm. So when Paige died I was very angry and felt really let down by God but as the weeks have gone on this has subsided a little. I'm starting to realise that God is the only thing I can completely put my hope in; that Paige has not ceased to exist but is being looked after by him in heaven, that he is looking after us as a family, that he has good things for us and that maybe, just maybe one day when I get up there I will be able to look back and understand why. Don't get me wrong. It sounds as if I have this all figured out. I don't. I am living minute to minute and find that all of my waking and quite a lot of my sleeping hours are spent in sadness. I really hope things get easier soon.
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Thank you for being brave and starting this blog Heather. I can't pretend to understand what it's like to lose a child, but I do get a sense of how hard it must be. Luke has been on the fence between living and dying. Because of this, I live in constant fear of losing my little boy who is fighting so hard. I know it doesn't make things easier, but pPROMers will learn from your experience. Hugs to you. Can't wait to read more about your journey.
ReplyDeleteHeather you are so brave to start this blog. I can't comprehend what you are going through but I hope that writing your journey will help you. I have no doubt it will help others who need to grieve as well. When we decided 5 years ago to stop trying for a second child, I grieved for a child I would never have and was never pregnant with. That was hard enough. Hope though never faded. When we decided to give it one more attempt at the start of this year I had high hopes but no expectations. As you know hope shone through and we have little Blake who is doing so well in NICU, despite his pPROM experience. Hold onto that hope, but in the meantime don't be hard on yourself for feeling sad or angry. You will figure this all out in your own good time. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find blogging helpful. I have, I like having somewhere to write my thoughts it has helped me since losing Orson.
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