Dealing with Pain

I sometimes think that it would be lovely to have something or someone come and suck all the pain out of me.  I know that sounds strange but I have a weird way of thinking about things sometimes!  When I am in my garden working in the soil and seeing things come together I do feel good.  My brain is kind of empty, I am busy in a nice way doing something that is good for me. 

About four years ago I had cognitive behaviour therapy because I had had a bout of depression.  The basic concept is that what we think, our activities, our feelings and our physical sensations are all linked.  Therefore if you tell yourself you are ugly, you stay in instead of going to a party, you feel really sad and lonely and your body might feel drained of energy.  If you change one thing in that spiral you might just reverse it.  So, for example, you change the thought and the whole process is reversed.  You go to the party, you feel better and so on.  This really worked for me four years ago.  There is a lot more to it and it is really interesting.  If you want to look into it there is a website called Living Life to the Full where you can do a free course online.  By the way CBT is recommended in the NICE guidelines for depression.

However, I have found it really hard to use this method of coping since Paige's death.  One part of me is wanting to get on with life, be happy and use the things I have learnt but another part of me just won't go away.  That part is very sad and lonely and is still very much in the throes of grief.  My counsellor suggested that I allow my time with her to be a time to let that part of myself out and I thought that was a good way of looking at things because I don't want to and just can't be like that all the time.  My family needs me, I have to work and I am afraid of going under.  I just wish I could find some other way of expressing and letting go of my pain when I am alone.  Maybe I just think too much!!!  Maybe I will just work through it in time.

Moving on?

Haven't written in ages.  I write in my own personal journal but then I thought well maybe my garbled thoughts might help someone else know they are not alone.  I went for counselling this week because after months of vaguely holding it together I totally lost it on Tuesday and couldn't stop crying.  It did frighten me but also felt like a release.  I also cried a lot at the counselling session and it was good for me I'm sure.  I don't really know how I'll move forward from here.  I have three more sessions provided by my work so hopefully they will help.  I think it would be good for me to have this for a while though.  I might see if I can arrange it through my doctors.  I came off the antidepressants because we thought about trying again and I think that was too much for me.  We are at the place now where we are kind of thinking that we won't try again so there is a whole new wave of grief to deal with.  I am working through it and live in the hope that one day I will be happy again.  It makes me sad to look at photos of myself from a couple of years ago and see how nice I looked, how genuine my smile was and how much fun I had.  Please please please God, I want that back.  I do believe that I will get there but I think I need to accept that this sadness will always be a part of my life too.

I am not really sure why I haven't written in my blog for so long.  I had meant to but it didn't happen.  The months have been difficult.  I have been fighting to get my old life back and I think I'm coming to the realisation that I am pushing away the grief that I need to experience.  I have never really expressed how angry I am that this has happened to me for fear of appearing to feel sorry for myself.  I have learnt over the years ways of dealing with stress, with getting up and getting on with it when I am down but I fear maybe this has been to my detriment this time.  Since Paige died I have always had a fear of going to pieces and my life shattering around me.  I have worried that if I don't pull myself together my marriage might fail, my daughter might suffer and I might never come out of it.  So I am going to try to express my feelings more, to allow myself just to be what I am and see what happens. 

Memories

I was remembering tonight the days after I first found out my waters had broken around 17 weeks.  I was admitted to hospital and told that there was a 90% chance that I would go into labour within 48 hours.  As it happened, I didn't, Paige held on for another 11 weeks to my amazement.  I remember the first night I kept thinking over Psalm 23 again and again because I was so terrified.  The day after the bereavement midwife came to see me before I was discharged.  She told me what to do if the baby came at home which was terrifying.  She advised Paddy and I to go and buy a blanket to put the baby in when it was born, which we did, and we also bought a tiny elephant teddy for her.  I also bought a card with Psalm 23 written on it.  I always felt that the words were for Paige as much as they were for me.

My darling Paige,
The Lord is your shepherd
You have everything you need
He lets you lie down in green meadows
He has led you beside peaceful streams
He is renewing your strength
He guided you along right paths
Bringing honour to his name.

Even when you walked
through the valley of the shadow of death
You were not afraid
For He was close beside you
His rod and his staff
Brought you protection and comfort.

He prepared a feast for you
In the presence of your enemies
He welcomed you as a guest
And annointed your head with oil
Your cup is overflowing with blessings
His goodness and unfailing love
Will pursue you all the days of your life
And you will live in the house of the Lord forever.

These memories are very special to me, even thought they are sad, because they are the things that happened while Paige was on this earth.  I feel extremely blessed that Paige did not come at that time because I feel it gave me more time with her and when she was born, I had a chance to give her a cuddle, as did her grandparents and we have lots of photos and memories of that time.

Ways of Grieving

Sorry, very cheesy title.  Paddy and I saw the psychologist at the Royal a couple of weeks ago.  She asked what we would like to talk about and my main areas of turmoil were the circumstances of the day leading up to Paige's death and also our plans for the future.  She seemed to feel that I was jumping too much ahead of myself and said I should be using this time to concentrate on grieving for Paige.  She explained it with a picture of a bridge and said that I want to get to the future but I can't get there without passing over the bridge (signifying the grieving process).  A book I read recently (can't find it now to quote it properly!) had the picture of a person chasing the setting sun and said that it is better to plunge yourself into darkness and catch the sun when it is rising.  I actually find this really hard.  In recent years I suffered a bout of depression and had cognitive behaviour therapy and I learnt a lot about making myself feel better and solving problems, etc so it is really hard to choose to not make yourself feel better and to allow yourself to be consumed by sadness.  The fact of the matter is though, I think with grief you don't actually have any choice!  You can try to run from it but it always catches you one way or another.  After this appointment I decided to try and take her advice and allow myself to express my feelings about the care I received on the day Paige was born both to my husband, my GP and the bereavement midwife at our local hospital (not the Royal).  At first I felt like I was completely losing control and that I could not possibly ever come to terms with the fact that had my treatment been different, Paige might have lived.  Actually though having ranted about it as much as I want I haven't thought about it as much this week so I guess maybe the theory is right.  I noticed on one of the bereavement sites a mum saying she went to a befrienders group and felt awful the next day and someone replied saying that it was like that for them but then they felt much better. 

I happened to mention to my GP how the psychologist had said about me jumping ahead of myself and he looked kind of confused and said that everyone has their own way of grieving which I thought was very sensible.  So on the one hand, I think it's important to be in the moment about my grief for Paige, I think that thinking forward is very much part of the recovery and I'm not going to feel guilty about that.

Where there is life there is hope

Forgive me, I am a complete beginner at blogging so I hope you are not asleep before you get to the end of this!  I decided to write this blog really to help myself grieve for my beautiful daughter Paige who was stillborn on 2nd October although I hope it is of comfort to anyone else going through the same thing.  The phrase above, where there is life there is hope, was give to me many, many times while I was pregnant with Paige.  My membranes ruptured at 17 weeks and she held on till 28 weeks and I had so much hope toward the end.  In fact, I would not allow myself to conceive of my baby dying.  Unfortunately I had to live my worst nightmare and still am.  My question since has been, if she is no longer alive, where is my hope?  What am I supposed to hope for now or put my hope in?  Will I definately have another baby?  I don't know.  Can I do anything to bring my child back.  Definately not.  I prayed and prayed when I was pregnant that my baby would survive; every day without fail.  I contacted countless people and had them pray too.  To be honest I don't really know what I was trying to achieve, as if I could somehow twist God's arm.  So when Paige died I was very angry and felt really let down by God but as the weeks have gone on this has subsided a little.  I'm starting to realise that God is the only thing I can completely put my hope in; that Paige has not ceased to exist but is being looked after by him in heaven, that he is looking after us as a family, that he has good things for us and that maybe, just maybe one day when I get up there I will be able to look back and understand why.  Don't get me wrong.  It sounds as if I have this all figured out.  I don't.  I am living minute to minute and find that all of my waking and quite a lot of my sleeping hours are spent in sadness.  I really hope things get easier soon.